The goal is emotional validation. It is the process of understanding and showing your acceptance of another person’s point of view and their emotional needs. It does not require apologizing or admitting guilt, although it can. Use these seven steps to diffuse your next argument at work or at home.
1. Stay Calm
This is the first, middle and last step and all the steps in between. Even if the other person gets excited, animated, or loud, maintain your composure. Breathe deeply and sit or stand straight and avoid aggressive body language like folding your arms or making fists.
2. Listen To The Tirade
Let the other person get it out…all of it out, without interjecting or defending yourself. Interrupting could fuel the fire because it might appear you are removing the validity of their complaint. Listen for what the other person wants you to hear.
3. Understand Their Beef
After you understand what he or she is upset about, or what he or she is really upset about—i.e., read between the lines—let the other person know you understand their side. You can acknowledge him or her without agreeing with their point of view. You can begin by saying, “Let’s see if I understand what you are saying…”
4. Find Points Of Agreement
If you can agree with any of the other’s points, say so. This could end the argument. Or it could establish common ground from which you can build a stronger relationship.
5. Specify Emotions
After listening carefully, tell the other person you understand how they feel. Writing for Psychology Today.com, Dr. Guy Winch recommends at this point trying to name specific feelings the other person experienced. Be specific and avoid generalities. You can say, “You must feel neglected” or “It sounds like you feel unappreciated.”
6. Appreciate Their Feelings
This is a quick follow-up to the prior step. Validate their emotions by appreciating why they feel as they do based on their perspective of events.
7. Avoid Mentioning Past Events
Do not bring up past times the other person has wronged you. Nobody likes their history thrown in their face. Focus on the present events. Stay calm. Listen to understand. Find points of agreement and validate their emotions. Then, decide if you need to apologize or not. You may not have to if these steps helped you and the other person solve and move past the issue at hand.
[Featured image credit: blackcouplegetaways.com]
