As powerful as inspirational quotes can be, sometimes we just need a bit of humor to lighten up our day. For those occasions, funny quotes and one-liners are quite effective, especially when they poke fun at our everyday annoyances, whether it be politics, work, aging or marriage.
Not content with finding these humorous quotes on only bumper stickers, we set out to put together a list of them. After browsing through quotation websites like Quotery, Wikiquote, and BQ for a couple hours, we were able to find quite a few gems. Below, you’ll find the Top 100: Funny Quotes and One-Liners that are sure to put a smile on your face.
1. “How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!'” – Unknown
2. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” – Will Rogers
3. “Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.” – José Maria de Eça de Queiroz
4. “Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong” – Unknown
5. “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” – Brian Gerald O’Driscoll
6. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go” – Oscar Wilde
7. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln (paraphrase from the Bible, ‘Proverbs’ 17:28)
8. “The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.” – Unknown
9. “The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.” – Albert Einstein
10. “I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.” – Unknown
11. “Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.” – Bill McGlashen
12. “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” – Marilyn Monroe
13. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets” – Al McGuire
14. “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” – Mark Twain
15. “Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?” – Unknown
16. “If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.” – Sam Levenson
17. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” – Earl Wilson
18. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein
19. “The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.” – Will Rogers
20. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” – Steven Wright
21. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” – Jack Handey
22. “Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.” – Unknown
23. “If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?” – Milton Berle
24. “I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” – Unknown
25. “I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.” – Unknown
26. “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” – Robert Frost
27. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
28. “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips
29. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
30. “A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun.'” – The Maugles
31. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” – Isaac Asimov
32. “Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” – Barbra Streisand
33. “You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.” – Harry S. Truman
34. “We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.” – Unknown
35. “If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.” – Unknown
36. “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” – Jack Nicholson
37. “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” – Woody Allen
38. “The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Unknown
39. “Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.” – Unknown
40. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.” – Wilson Mizner
41. “Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: ‘Hold my purse.'” – Unknown
42. “I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.” – Unknown
43. “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” – Emo Philips
44. “Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.” – Unknown
45. “The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.” – Unknown
46. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde
47. “Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.” – Unknown
48. “My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
49. “I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.” – Axel Rose
50. “You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.” – Unknown
51. “Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?” – Unknown
52. “A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.” – Franklin Jones
53. “If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!” – Henny Youngman
54. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon’.” – Chris Rock
55. “When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.” – Norm Crosby
56. “The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.” – Brendan Behan
57. “Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.” – Unknown
58. “A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'” – Claude Pepper
59. “I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.” – Unknown
60. “The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.” – Dennis Miller
61. “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.” – Winston Churchill
62. “It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.” – Tommy Cooper
63. “Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?” – Unknown
64. “The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.” – Franklin P. Jones
65. “I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.” – Unknown
66. “God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.” – Ethel Mumford
67. “A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that ‘individuality’ is the key to success.” – Robert Purvis
68. “The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.” – George Jessel
69. “America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.” – Unknown
70. “Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?” – Unknown
71. “Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.” – Unknown
72. “I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.” – Rodney Dangerfield
73. “If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they’re going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?” – Jerry Seinfeld
74.“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” – Rodney Dangerfield
75. “As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” – Norman Wisdom
76. “How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?” – Unknown
77. “Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?” – Rita Rudner
78. “If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.” – Robin Williams
79. “By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” – Charles Wadsworth
80. “A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.” – Bill Vaughan
81. “To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.” – Unknown
82. “I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” – Jackie Mason
83. “Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.” – Oprah Winfrey
84. “Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.” – Christopher Marlowe
85. “Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.” – Franklin P. Jones
86. “Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.” – Jerry Seinfeld
87. “Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.” – Unknown
88. “Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?” – Unknown
89. “It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?” – Ronald Reagan
90. “A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.” – Fred Allen
91. “They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.” – Unknown
92. “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” – Robin Williams
93. “First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.” – Steve Martin
94. “I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ‘That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'” – Jack Handy
95. “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” – Erma Bombeck
96.“Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.” – Unknown
97. “The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.” – Unknown
98. “At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers
99. “If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.” – Unknown
100. “Make yourself at home… clean my kitchen.” – Unknown
